self-centered, me, myself and I

Medications, side effects, lifelong treatments.

Yeah I’m going to complain again, if you’re tired of my complaints, fuck you.

I open my mouth, I say what I feel and that’s how I am, that’s how I will be until my last breath.

Life is funny sometimes.

What irony, taking fucking treatments all my life to have a semblance of normality, quality of life, treatments that make me even sicker, and take away the little free will and conscience that I have.

Up and down.
That’s my daily life, up and down all day long.

Up: I wake up with a smile on my face, sun and summer heat to motivate me, see my friends, enjoy myself, have fun. I light a cigarette on the edge of my window, nothing can reach me, I have all my strength and joy with me.

But wait,

Fuck, go back down: here comes the rain, the gray clouds, the morale that drops to 0.
Hey I’m not talking about the weather, but about my fucking mental health. Anything will make me spin, get wired, take it again, we’ll see when everything explodes, I don’t have time to think about it, no desire, everything goes too fast up there. I’m too afraid of myself, and of what I’m capable of doing when my dark thoughts come back. And then it’s the descent into hell, Lucifer is there to welcome me with open arms and keep me with him. To insinuate himself into all the projects, the desires, the love that I have inside me.
Yeah that’s how it happens, from everything to nothing, in less than a second.

But wait, “you have a whole pharmacy at home to treat yourself”, yeah you got it, these beautiful ultra-colored pills are the solution to all my problems, that’s why I’m here, that’s why I write down all my problems on paper,
“But you have shrinks to support you, and your family, your friends, talk to them.”
Yeah that’s clear, but I’m tired of talking about myself, my thoughts, my pain, my problems, because I’ve done it too much and guess what? No one can understand and “it’s going to be okay”, I can’t take it anymore. Shut up, everyone, with your right-thinking, your kindness, yeah the anger is rising, because the frustration of not feeling understood is so powerful.

But wait, “you’re not making any effort, you don’t want to be helped.”
If you knew, I make efforts every day, just to look you in the face and listen to all your bullshit. If you’ve ever felt pain, if you’ve ever been broken, torn apart, then rebuilt piece by piece, you’d know that a single gust of wind can screw everything up again.

But wait, oh fuck you, I’m sick of hearing your fucking voice. I want to smash my skull into these 4 fucking walls that were my room, my safe zone and that have become my prison. I want to shut you up forever. If I fucking do it I’ll leave with you. You are me and I am you, without me you are no more and without you I am no more.

These words, this anger and these emotions are ours, mine and his. Yeah there are two of us up there, two diametrically opposed people but we live together, well, live together is a big word. Most of the time it is one or the other who takes over and when that happens I, Hestia, no longer have any power. I know this because my closest friends told me and see it, they talk to him, the one who takes my place.

However I have made progress, I take my magic pills well, I do everything so that he no longer takes over. I do everything to erase him, destroy him. For the moment he does not want to hear anything, he does not help, I do not understand why he is there. Why he takes up so much space in my life. In my head rather.
« You are nobody, without me you are nothing. »

• « you are wrong, I am everything, you are nothing, I will be who I want to be and you will no longer be there. It is a promise.  » This is the kind of dialogue that resonates in my head.

But do not worry. I have spent my life fighting and I will continue until he is gone. I was born to be a warrior and to get through this no matter what. And I know I will because I stand in front of him every day that passes.
Never give up.